


The Bohemians - Flashbacks and Spoilers

by TheKnittingLady



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-18
Updated: 2012-12-10
Packaged: 2017-11-16 14:13:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/540315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheKnittingLady/pseuds/TheKnittingLady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These are flashback and spoilers that go along with my story "The Bohemians", but that didn't fit anywhere in the narrative of the text or were too explicit for FF.net.  You'll probably want to read the other story first or else these might not make sense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Flashback - 08/23/02

**Author's Note:**

> This flashback is associated with Chapter 16 of "The Bohemians".

**Galois House**   
**California Institute of Technology**   
**Pasadena, CA**   
**08/23/02**

**Spencer**

“I think I owe you two an apology.”  Milly told them.

Spencer and Thom were lying on the grass in a somewhat private part of the back ground of the house, looking up at the light coming through the trees.  They had just gotten out of a two-hour lecture on human sexuality, given by a nurse and a counselor from the health center.  Spencer couldn’t tell if he was more annoyed by the fact that they talked to them like children, or annoyed that they had to discuss human sexuality at all.  “Why is that?”

“Apparently this is the first time Galois has ever hosted a guest lecture on human sexuality.”  Since Thom was stretched out to Spencer’s right she flopped down on his left.  “I’m guessing it was probably prompted by the first female member of the house finally hitting puberty.”

“Okay peaches, if this whole embarrassing ordeal was prompted by having an honest-to-god girl hitting puberty in the house then why did they make me show up?”  Thom asked.

That’s why this was so disquieting, Spencer thought.  This is pressure in a place I really don’t want pressure.  “Because I’m still undecided.”  He informed them both.  “I don’t see why I have to make a decision.”

“Well so am I, but they don’t need to know that.”   Thom pointed out.  “They would be far more comfortable if you officially paired up with one of us.  They’ve only just accepted homosexuality; they’re still much more comfortable with it when monogamous commitment is involved.  Choosing would show that you’re developing normally, we’re developing normally, in at least in one area.”

“I don’t see why it’s their business.”  Milly pointed out.  “They’re our private lives.  We don’t bring it to the classroom, just like we don’t bring our ages to the classroom. And they should know by now that freaks like us don’t develop in the same manner as other adolescents.”

“I just don’t see why we have to choose.”  Spencer said. 

They lay back and listened to the trees for a while.  “Well…what if we didn’t choose.”  Thom asked.  “What if the three of us…stuck together?”

“You mean as in a…a romantic partnership?”  Milly asked. “Is that…workable?” 

“Yes.”  Thom admitted.  “It’s complicated, but I can show you references in the Diversity center about people who have made it work.  They all say communication is key.”

Milly scoffed.  “We hardly have a problem with that.”

“And friendship.”  Spencer said.

“What do you mean?”  Thom asked.  He rolled over and rested his head on his upraised hand to look at his friend.

“Friedrich Nietzsche said that it is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.  I think he has a point.”  Spencer replied.  “It strikes me that a family built on passion has a statistically higher chance of falling apart once the passion wanes than one built on friendship.  And passion will always wane, passion is, after all, a series of biochemical responses to stimuli, as our bodies age our responses will as well.  But if you start out with friendship and then explore your sexuality together then not only will you strengthen the friendship but changing bodies and responses are simply another thing to explore.  The basis for the relationship still holds.  Take my family for example, my parent’s marriage started out passionate, according to Mom in her unguarded moments.”  So much he wished he could forget there.  “Once she got too sick to sustain the passion Dad took off.  If they had been friends first he never would have left her.  Us.”

“Second example.”  Milly rolled over to match Thom.  “Dad and Sharon.”  They all shuddered at that one.

“Third example, everyone in my parent’s church.”  Thom agreed.  “That entire hot mess is all about controlling passion because they’re convinced it’s the strongest force in the universe.  That’s made for some seriously miserable people.  I think you might be on to something here Spence.”

“And we can better fit each other’s needs if we work together.”  Milly pointed out.

“Oh?”  Spencer asked.

“Yes.”  She scooted a little closer and rested her head on Spencer’s shoulder, sliding her hand over his chest in an easy caress.  Spencer curled his arm around her shoulder to hold her there.  “You, for example, are still working through that charming case of C-PTSD you got from high school.  You still need to feel safe much of the time.  If we’re committing to each other then Thom and I will have to commit to being there to keep you safe, or at least feeling safe.  Which, given that we’re both athletes, shouldn’t be all that hard to do.”

“Agreed.”  Thom said.

Damn, Spencer thought, as the realization rocked him.  He’d never have to face the football team alone again, never have to endure his Mother’s episodes alone again, and never have to make it through the world alone again.  Just the thought nearly brought tears to his eyes.  “Thank you.”  He said simply.

“And you need a family.”  She reached over to Thom and pulled him into the pile, tugging his arm over so she could trap it under hers.  Spencer put his other arm around the younger man so he’d put his head on his other shoulder.  Much better.   “One that accepts you, with no conditions.”  Milly went on.  “And we do and always will.”

“Agreed.”  Spencer told him.  And then he watched as Thom realized what was happening and did tear up, just a little.

“Thank you.”  Thom finally said.  “And you, peaches, will never have to question your gender or sexuality again, no matter how smart you are or how many degrees you earn or how athletic you want to be.  Not with two hot guys thinking you’re the most amazingly beautiful girl on the planet.  So much so that they never want another woman.”  He tugged his arm free only to drape it over her back.

“Agreed.”  Spencer replied as Milly started turning russet red in the cheeks.  Definition of partnership, he thought, we all know each other’s secrets without having to be told.  He gently brushed the ginger curls back from her cheeks.  “You really are beautiful.”

She buried her face in his chest for a moment.  “Thank you.”  She said, when she came up for air.  “There is one drawback in all this.  What about my Dad?  He’s going to want a real wedding someday.  And what will the FBI say?”

“Oh, that’s the easy part.”  Thom said.  “You two already decided that when you turn eighteen Spencer here is going to marry you.  Stick with that, that way your father can have the white wedding of his dreams and the FBI can rest easy.  After that it’s no one’s business who you two have for a roommate.  All we have to do is keep the paperwork straight.” 

This could actually work, Spencer thought.  We’d be a real family.  A really weird family, but we’re already freaks, so what the hell.  “Okay, I’m in.”

“I’m in.”  Milly said.

“I’m in.”  Thom said.  Then he looked at the two of them.  “Do we need to have some kind of commitment ceremony or something?”

“Not yet.”  Milly replied.

“Why not?”

“Because usually after a commitment ceremony comes sexual activity.”  She pointed out.  “And while I wouldn’t mind exploring that aspect, with either one of you, my empirical observations support Paulsen’s paper on biochemical addiction and pair-bonding.  We still have to get through that two year gap between Spencer here hitting his majority and you and I hitting ours.  It’s going to be miserable enough as it is, I’d rather not have to detox on top of it.  And we already know you won’t be helping in that regard.”  She rested back down against Spencer’s chest.  “If you two have been exploring then you probably shouldn’t take it too far, or you’ll be miserable later.”

Spencer looked over.  “She’s right, we will.”

“Wench.”  But Thom agreed.  “So are we saying we’re engaged then?  With a commitment date set for, ahhh, June of ’06?”

Milly smiled.  “Ooo, a summer wedding will be lovely.”  She looked up at Spencer.  “What do you think?  And what should we refer to ourselves as; husbands and wife won’t do, even after that.”

He thought it was the best, most brilliant idea ever, and it felt utterly, completely right.  I have a family, he thought, or I will have a family.  “Lab partners.”  He replied.  “Partners.”  And with that he leaned down and kissed her.

“Partners.”  Thom smiled and leaned over and kissed him.

“Partners.”  She agreed, and leaned across him to kiss Thom which was about the most amazingly lovely thing he had ever seen.

Partners, Spencer thought as the settled so comfortably together.  I have a family now.  I am home.

 


	2. Flashback - 03/11/02

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This flashback is associated with Chapter 18 of "The Bohemians."

**Galois House**  
 **California Institute of Technology**  
 **Pasadena CA**  
 **03/11/02**

**Spencer**

On this fine Monday morning Spencer and Thom were waiting on the porch for Milly to emerge from the girl’s locker room. 

After Milly’s Dad had taken her home for the rest of the week they had called a House meeting, calmly kicked out the counselors who tried to come in to observe, and explained the situation to Spengler and Venkman.  The two older guys weren’t going to be in the house that much longer anyway, and saw the whole thing as pranking Sharon Bennett and so were more than happy to go along, more or less.  More or less being that they left the house that morning in crappy sneakers, shorts, really ugly plaid shirts, worse ties and the now required navy jackets.  Hey, whatever made them happy.  Spencer and Thom had actually gone appropriate with the thing, right down to polishing their thrift store dress shoes last night.  The whole thing cost what little spending money they had for the month, but it was about to be utterly worth it.

“So, tell me again what happened?”  Spencer said.

“According to Stevie someone from the school called their Dad on Thursday and informed him of the new uniform requirement.”  Thom had found Stevie on his morning run, when it took him past the Polytechnic school next door.  “Sharon had a screeching fit, on top of the fight they’d had the night before about what happened.  She went on about how a pig like that doesn’t deserve nice things and they were only doing it to humiliate her, Sharon, in front of her friends.  Mark replied that if she really thought that the Regents of the California Institute of Technology had really gone out of their way to humiliate her then she needed to have her head examined.”  They had to smile at that one.  “At which point Sharon said that if Milly needed to have special clothes for school then she could just wear them at school and change there and she flounced out to spend the week-end at a spa somewhere.”

“You know, Sharon does need some kind of therapy.”  Spencer pointed out.

“Good luck with that.”

Just then Milly stepped out onto the porch and Spencer felt that same weird, kind of half-dizzy warm sensation he’d felt the other day in the bathroom when she looked at him like that.  The plaid skirt, simple shirt and penny loafers of a school uniform might not be the most flattering garments, but on her they were sweet and old-fashioned and somehow impossibly womanly.  Or maybe it was the way she was standing taller, holding her head up for the first time, or the pride and pleasure of victory flashing from her eyes.  He heard Thom groan faintly.  “I just wish I could figure out what to do with my hair.”  She complained.

“I thought about that.”  Spencer said distantly.  “Come here.”  He patted the bench next to him as Thom got out of the way, to take up a spot on the porch floor a bit away and take out his sketchbook.  Milly sat next to him and turned away and he started gently running his fingers through those silken soft curls.  “I used to help Mom with her hair, before she had it cut.  It’s worth a try.” 

“The only problem with this, peaches, is that you look thirteen.”  Thom pointed out.

“Great.”  She groaned.  “I was hoping people would think I was making a fashion statement.  Some of the girls from Japan dress like this for fun.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it.  After all, thirteen year olds don’t go to CalTech.  Everyone will think you’re a freshman with an unusual fashion sense.”  Spencer carefully untangled each warm curl, getting it to sit just so next to its neighbors.  The soft, almost powdery scent was intoxicating. “The bigger question is how do you feel?”

“Better.  At least I recognized myself when I looked in the mirror just now.”

“Good.”  Her growing sense of depersonalization had been a concern.  That way led to real, lasting problems.  When the last curl was untangled he gathered her hair back from her temples and tied in a length of silk ribbon to hold it all back.  Thom groaned louder and drew a little faster.  “There.  Go have a look.”

“I will in a minute.”  She sounded almost drowsy with sitting so still.

Or maybe not with sitting so still.  When he finished his hand naturally fell to her shoulder, grazing her neck as it did and she made this soft little sound that was somehow magical.  He did it again, deliberately, just ran the pad of his thumb under her ear, and that sound she made was just that much louder and she kind of tipped her head to give him room and the whole thing just went straight to his groin and left him aching and starting in toward hard just that fast.  He quickly dropped his hand, tugging her back against him so he could put his arm around her shoulder, but she relaxed against him so easily that he knew, he  _knew_ , they had set foot on a road that would take them wonderful places and would never end.

Just then Thom got up and came over to sit on the railing nearby, handing them his sketchbook so they could see.  He’d caught the moment when Spencer had tied the bow in Milly’s hair, the expressions on their faces, the energy building.  “I do  _not_  look like that.”  Milly insisted.

“You know you do peaches.”  Thom’s eyes were also slightly hazed with the pleasure of what he had been seeing, and the pleasure of sharing it back.  “I can’t draw it any other way.”

“You are beautiful.”  Spencer confirmed.  Because she was.  To him she always would be, from that day on.

She rested back into his arm and he felt her power growing and for a little while the world was quiet around them.

 


	3. Flashback - 04/07/01

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for emotional abuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This flashback is associated with Chapter 25 of "The Bohemians".

**JC Pennys**  
 **Glendale Galleria**  
 **Glendale, CA**  
 **04/07/01**

**Milly**

“What about this one?”

Milly held up a shirt for her step-mother’s approval as they walked by the woman’s department.  It was a simple white shirt, short sleeves, and a little round collar, a bit of white embroidery on the pocket.  Sharon took one look and sneered.  “No.”

“Why not?”

“Why?  It would look like ass on someone like you.  Besides, it’s not like you’re going to school anymore so unless you have some reason to try to impress one of your tutors put that back.”  She pulled the shirt out of Milly’s hands, put it on the nearest rack, grabbed the girl’s arm and tugged her back into the traffic flow.  “Stop dawdling. I want to get this over with.”

Milly pulled away but obediently kept walking.  Last spring had been her last in any kind of classes, part time at the Polytechnic school over by CalTech.  But in the fall she was beyond their curriculum, and there wasn’t a high school that would work for her, and so her Dad had hired tutors to get her over the hump.  But without a lot of other clothes to wear she kept wearing her school uniforms until they were just too short and too tight to even breathe.  Now she had to face the dreaded shopping trip with Sharon.  “I wish I could wear my uniform again this year.” 

“You and me both.  Here, this way.”  She led the way into the other end of the store before turning into the racks.

“Um.”  Milly looked around her.  “This is the boys department.”

“Yeah, I know.  Trust me, with those thick legs and that gut these jeans will fit the best and the fastest.  Hang on….”  She checked a size chart on top of a rack.  “Here.”  She pulled a pair of plain blue jeans off and thrust them at her step-daughter.  “Now a t-shirt…yep, right here.”  She pushed a bright red t-shirt at her as well.  Then she grabbed her shoulder.  “Let’s go try them on.  If they fit we’ll buy a bunch of each and get the hell out of here.  That’s all you need to be homeschooled.”

Milly so did not want to go into the guys changing room.  She hung back.  “You know, we could have gone to a store you liked.”

“Like I’m going to spend that much money putting clothing on a piglet.”  With a bit of a push Sharon shoved Milly into the dressing room.

Thankfully there was no one in the dressing room to stare at her going in and out.  Within moments she was back out so Sharon could see.  The jeans fit funny, too loose in the waist and legs, too snug in the backside.  And the shirt was too snug around the chest, and too high in the neck and weird in the arms.  And everything seemed to pull in the wrong spot.  She looked a frumpy fright, but she came out anyway.  “I don’t think it fits right.”  She said.

“You’re covered, it’s perfect.  Go take it off, I’ll go get a couple more pairs of those jeans and a t-shirt in every color and don’t bother me for another year.”

“A year?  But I’m supposed to start college in the fall.”

“Yeah, at CalTech.  Trust me, those geeks won’t care.”  Sharon looked her over, the disgust clear in her eyes.  “If only I could get you a haircut.”

“Dad said you can’t cut my hair.”  Her one shield.  Milly turned and headed back into the dressing room before Sharon could get any other ideas.

Milly went back into the dressing room to change back into her old school athletic gear.  For a moment she closed her eyes and was in something from the Edwardian age, a long skirt, a lacy shirtwaist, her hair done just so.  She could almost feel like a princess…

“Hurry up in there!”

Five more years, Milly thought. Five more years and then no matter what she thinks I’ll wear and look however I damn well please.

* * *

 

**1425 Hillcrest Ave**  
 **Pasadena, CA**

“Maybe there’s something wrong with her.”  One of the women said.

Dad had taken Stevie out for boy’s night, and Sharon had invited her friends over for girl’s night, which, as near as Sharon could tell, involved some small amount of food and some large amount of alcohol.  Dad and Stevie had since come home and gone into the basement office and to bed, respectively, but the party downstairs continued.  Milly had taken up a position on the stairs that allowed her to listen. It’s self-defense; she had thought when she settled here.  Now she was glad she had.

“What do you mean?”  Sharon asked, a bit slurry.

“Like something wrong with her hormones.  Has she started her period yet?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Is she getting tits?”

“No. She’s still built like a barrel.  Like Mark.”

There was a general murmur from the room.  “You should get her checked.”  The first voice said.  “She might be turning into a boy on you.”

Another woman laughed.  “You mean Mark’s kid might be some kind of freak?”

“Oh we know she’s a freak.”  Sharon replied. 

“It’s just a question of transgendered freak or not.”  The first voice said.

Milly had heard enough.  She got up and ran to her room and closed the door.  Then she ran to her bathroom and closed that door too.  She sat at the stool in front of the mirror and stared at herself.  She couldn’t see what was so wrong.  Sure she had some freckles from the sun, and sure her hair was frizzy a lot of the time, and yeah, so she was still built like a kid.  She didn’t see anything wrong.  But all those women downstairs had to know something.  They were all kids once and they turned into beautiful women, the kind who got dressed up and went to parties and had their pictures taken and put into magazines.  Maybe they saw something she didn’t?

Someone tapped on the door, making her jump.  “Milly?”

She reached over and opened the door to let Stevie in.  “Do I look like a boy to you?”  She asked him.

“Huh?”

“Do I look like I’m turning into a boy to you?”

“I don’t know.”  He said, grumbling.  “I don’t think girls can turn into boys.”

“They can if they’re….broken somehow.  Freaky enough.”  She looked over at him.  “What do you want?”

“They’re laughing too loud downstairs.  I can’t sleep.  Your room’s further away.”

Probably laughing about me, she thought.  “Yeah, go on up.”

“Thanks.”  Stevie stopped and looked back.  “You know, boy or girl, you’ll still look like my sister.”

Which is something, she thought, at least I’ll always have that.  “Thanks Stevie.  Good night.”

 


	4. Flashback - 03/06/02

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning - medical abuse, rape  
> This flashback is associated with Chapter 20 of "The Bohemians"

**The Hill Medical Corporation**   
**625 S. Fair Oaks Avenue**   
**Pasadena, CA**   
**03/06/02**

Milly’s stomach was twisting in knots.  She was sitting in a very white room, on the end of a very white table covered in paper, in a medical gown that didn’t close well and was too short.  She didn’t know what was happening next. 

She was getting really tired of all the medical crap.

It seemed like every week Sharon was dragging her off to something.  A check-up with this doctor, blood work with this other doctor, a scan of some kind with another doctor, every time she turned around it was something.  She was beginning to feel like one of the rats in the biology lab.  And every one said the same thing, she was fine.  Perfectly normal.  A late bloomer.  You don’t have to worry at thirteen; sixteen is when we get concerned.  Go home and let her grow up.

They didn’t understand.  Sharon was taking a perverse pleasure in having to endure the sacrifice of looking after Mark’s freaky daughter.  And if she was really turning into a boy?  Not only sick but fashionably so, and she loses her competition for Dad’s affection.  What a thrill for her!

At least the nurses were nice.  They let her keep her socks on and brought her a warm blanket to drape over her legs and around her hips.  But then one came in and pulled these long things with footrests out of the end of the table and she started getting really creeped out.  “What are we doing?”

“Just a scan, sweetie.  It won’t take long.  Do you want your Mom in here with you?”

Not a chance in hell.  “No, thank you.”

“Okay, lay back and scoot as far down as you can.  You won’t fall.”

Milly lay back and scooted and the nurse helped her into the footrests, which left her ultimately open and exposed in a way she’d never been before, even with a sheet draped over.  All of a sudden she started to panic.  “I…I don’t think I want to do this.”  She told them, as she tried to sit up, but she was kind of stuck here.

“Shhh.  It’ll be all right sweetie.  It’ll be over soon.”  The nurse pushed her back down as the doctor came in.  “Just hold on tight here.”  She wrapped her hands around some handles on the table.

Milly lay back and clung to the handles.  It’s a doctor, she thought, it’s medical.  It’s stupid but it’s…then she felt herself being touched, opened.  “No!  Stop, I’m not doing this.”  She tried to sit up again.

The doctor looked over at the doorway.  “Ma’am, I don’t think…”

“Just get it over with!”  Sharon snarled from the doorway.  “We’re already here; I’m not paying for a wasted appointment!”

The doctor sighed and murmured to one of the nurses.  She went to a cupboard and came back with another tray.  There were a few moments of rustling, then she felt the hands there again.  Ohh that was the strangest thing, her whole body went tense trying to fight the sensation.  “Just hold still a moment, hold very still” the doctor said.

Milly felt this sharp, burning sensation.  “Ow!”

“Oh, you didn’t feel that.”

“Yes, I did!  Ow!”  Something huge and sharp was being shoved up inside her.  Inside her!

“Just try to relax those muscles, honey.  Keep breathing.  Just try.  That’s it.”  The thing inside her got wider, scraping along her insides, and it was all Milly could do to keep from whimpering.  As it was she felt the tears start to leak out her eyes.

Then what felt like a needle went in, and she screamed.

“No, no.  Shhhh hun.  It’s just going to be some cramping, that’s all.”

“But it wasn’t.  It was something long and sharp buried deep inside her, digging and gouging at her insides, all white-hot agony.  As she tried to twist to get away the nurses came and held her steady.  Then the doctor pulled a long, thick probe and rammed it deep inside her body, pounding and pressing into her inner walls, every move jostling that sharp thing, digging it in further.  She screamed and begged and sobbed but they just held her down and kept going until it felt like she was being torn apart.

Finally, after what seemed like forever the doctor pulled everything out.  “That’s it.”

As soon as the nurses let go she pushed herself back on the table as far as she could go, and the rolled off the side onto the floor.  She scrambled to her feet and ran over to the chair that held her clothes.  She heard them talking to Sharon behind her but she didn’t stay to listen, as soon as she was dressed she pushed Sharon out of the way and ran for the elevator.

**Galois House**   
**California Institute of Technology**   
**Pasadena CA**

“Which way did she go?”  Someone asked from the hallway.

Milly was curled up in a corner of the boy’s shower, shaking like a leaf.  She’d jumped on the first bus she could, just trying to get out of there, not caring where.  Luckily it was the one that went right by the House.  She was still shaking when she got there.  She didn’t know where else to go, she couldn’t go home and risk Sharon and she didn’t know what to tell her Dad.  Spencer and Thom would understand, they always did, but neither of them was back yet, so she went into their bathroom to check.

Yep, it was bad.  She was bleeding.  And she’d peed herself without realizing it.  It still hurt deep inside, a bright, burning where the sharp thing had cut her and deep aches where she had been beaten and what felt like a lot of scrapes.  But it was the state of her underwear that worried her.  What if she couldn’t hold it anymore?  What if she was cut bad?  What if she couldn’t have kids now?  That thought opened some primal pit and all of a sudden her fear grew endless.  She dropped her soaked clothes, wrapped herself in a bath towel and huddled in the corner where she could be hosed off if she had to be.

She didn’t want to tell the counselors.  She wasn’t sure she wanted to tell  _anyone_.  But when Thom and Spencer slid down on either side she curled up into their arms and finally let the tears she had been holding in fall.  In great sobs she told them what happened, how Sharon finally did something horrible, something that couldn’t be fixed, something was broken forever…

Spencer gently tipped her over against Thom.  “Hold that thought.”  He said as he got up. He stopped to check her clothing, thankfully lacking any squick factor after years of caring for his Mom.   Moments later he was coming back with a laptop.  “Yeah, here it is.  Saline Infusion Sonohystogram.”  He held the machine over where Thom could see while he took over Milly.  “Sharon must not have given them your full medical history or else they never would have done it.”

“W…why?”

“Because a High Functioning Autistic who is ultrasensitive to touch would have a cervix sensitive enough to feel the catheter.  It was actually soft plastic.”

“It f…felt like a needle....” 

“And on a virgin no less.  There’s no way that could be good.”  Thom agreed. 

“It sounds like Sharon didn’t tell them about that either.”  Spencer pointed out.  “He probably had to cut your hymen to do the exam.”  That set her sobbing, oh that so wasn’t fair.  “If they had known they should have talked you through it and used a topical anesthetic.  Still, I don’t believe it does any permanent damage.”

“No, it really doesn’t.”  Thom agreed.  “I think you’ll be fine, peaches.”

“But it h…hurts.”  She sobbed into the back of Spencer’s shoulder.

“I’m sure it does.  That’s the first time any of those muscles have been stretched.  They’re bound to hurt.  You probably have some bruises too.”

“And I’m…I’m bl…bleeding.”

“That would be your hymen, peaches.”  Thom nodded.  “Or what’s left anyway.”

 Milly sobbed the harder.  “It’s not fair!”

“I don’t think medical stuff actually counts toward loss of virginity.”  Spencer told her as he leaned back and got an arm around her.  “I don’t think you should think of it that way.  It’s an… injury, nothing more.”

“But I beg...I begged them to st…stop.”

“Well there’s the tick in the bed.”  Thom said, looking over at Spencer.  “It’s the emotional injury that’s the hardest.  Want us to go beat on the doctor for you?”

“No.”  Milly sobbed out.

“We could get the IT guys to throw a virus their way.”  Spencer said.  “Put them out of business.”

“No!”  Milly sobbed harder.

“Then what, love.”

“I don’t want to feel like this anymore!”  She cried at them.  “I don’t want to be in my skin anymore!  I want to go back to this morning!  I want to be a little kid again, when it didn’t hurt like this!”

They were all quiet for a moment, holding her very tight.  “I think we all want that peaches.”  Thom said at last.  “But I think tonight’s your night to feel it the most.”

They were quiet a moment more.  “I just wish I could be a girl again.”  Milly said, quietly.  “Not some freak.”

“Hey.”  Spencer lifted her chin, so he could look into those brilliant blue eyes.  “You are a girl.  You’re our girl, don’t forget that.”

She sighed and rested her head against his chest.  “I wish I knew how to feel that in my skin.”

“You will.”  He promised. 

“How?”

“I don’t know.”  He admitted.  But I know one thing, this won’t happen again.  The next time it will be with someone you want.  One of us if you want.”

“Not me.”  Thom pointed out.  “Unfortunately.”

“Fine.”  Spencer said gently.  “I’ll do it.  When you’re eighteen.”  He looked down into her eyes again.  “And it will be…wonderful, I can promise that.  I’ll…do the research for it.  I’ll even marry you, if you want.”

For a moment the entire world was very still.  “I think I’d like that.”  She said as she fell into his eyes.  “All of that.”

He gave her a suddenly very shy smile.  “All right.”

“You know, at thirteen you should still be a schoolgirl.”  Thom pointed out.  “Which gives me an idea for screwing over Sharon.”

“Oh?”  Spencer asked.

“I wouldn’t mind hearing that.”  Milly said, her sobs finally starting to slow.  “But I think right now I need to figure out what to tell my Dad.”

“Why don’t you let us take care of that.  And wear my gym pants home.”  Spencer told her.  And just in time as a blustery voice was heard in the hall.

A few minutes later Milly stepped out only to be enfolded in the strongest, most loving arms she’d ever known.  “If I had known.”  He told her.  “If I had had any idea…. I am so sorry my dove.  I am so very sorry.  Well, no more of it.  I’m telling Sharon that she’s done.  If you need to go back to the doctor for so much as a toothache I’ll be the one taking you.  No more.”

“Thanks Dad.”


	5. Flashback - 05/04/04

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene is loosely connected to Chapter 51 at best. Since it doesn't contain any spoilers and since I've had a number of people PM me asking about the more explicit side of things I decided to share it now. I want reviews and comments for this one though. Please.
> 
> Trigger warning: Explicit underage sexuality (ages 15-17)

**Galois  House**   
**California Institute of Technology**   
**Pasadena, CA**   
**05/04/2004**

**Spencer**

The question always was; how do you define intercourse?

Ever since Thom’s revelation Spencer had ‘posed’ for him numerous times.  No, Spencer thought as Thom pulled the blanket back to get a better view, it’s quiet in here, and warm, and dim with only the nightlight on and the whole House is asleep.  Let us be honest in this safe space, this is sex.  This is how we fuck and god yes, it is good.  He slid his hands down and fisted his own erection as Thom pulled his boxers out of the way.  And let us also be honest about this, he thought, you are not in control here, and that feels damned good too.

It was good, and it was slowly, inevitably getting better when there was a slight sound at the door.  His heart immediately started racing as he stopped stroking and pulled up his pants.  Thom leaned over and kissed him, more for reassurance than anything, and went to see what the hell.  The light didn’t reach down the short hall to their door, so Spencer didn’t see who, but there was some kind of faintly whispered conversation and then someone else was coming into the light. 

He should have known.

With Stevie and their father off on a class camping trip Milly had declared that there was No Way In Hell that she was staying alone with Sharon.  So she was spending the week-end at the House, specifically down in the smaller and otherwise empty girl’s wing.  It appeared, though, that sneaking over after lights out was not that hard.  “…you think I couldn’t tell what you guys were thinking earlier?”  She whispered as she came into the light, her braided pigtails bouncing off her shoulders.

“All right, but that doesn’t tell me what you’re doing here, Miss Prim and Proper.”  Thom was clearly rattled, his accent was showing.

She looked at him a long moment and then back at Spencer, her eyes wide, her cheeks flushed.  “Maybe I’m tired of being left out.”  She told them at last.  “I want to know…”

Well, Spencer thought, only two years, one month and twenty-eight days of recovery time for her to get her libido back.  Thom looked at him, knowing that the concerns for safety and security were his.  But Milly was as safe as Thom and he had to admit, he was curious and she was beautiful.  So he nodded and in return Thom curled an arm around Milly’s waist and pulled her in and kissed her long and well, and hard enough to make her knees almost buckle.  “What do you want to know?”  He whispered to her in that almost savage way he got when he was very aroused.  Then he pushed her gently onto the bed.

Spencer had to admit, he’d dreamed of this.  More than once he’d been at the House, resting between classes, and a soap opera was on the TV in the lounge and two people would be in bed together.  He’d wondered what it would feel like to have Milly in with them, all round and soft and warm and bashful, coming slowly undone in their arms.  Now here she was in his bed, with nothing but her thin pajamas between them.  He wrapped his arms around her, under the hoodie she was wearing as a robe and kissed her until her lips parted and granted him entrance.  She tasted of tea and cookies and something wild and new coming into the light tonight at last and she left him achingly hard all over again.  Only this time she felt it and she rocked her hips against his, testing the sensation for the first time, making him moan against her mouth.  Yes, he thought, this is what you do to me.  I’m not hiding it from you any more.

“The problem is,” Thom said, quietly, “that we don’t have any condoms.”  The bed was too small for three, too small for two really, so Thom had knelt down beside it.  Now even as his lips found hers Thom was tugging off her hoodie, pressing kisses to her bare shoulders.  “So there’s only so much we can do here.”

She broke off kissing to look back at him.  “That’s all right.”  The move bared her long, pale throat.  “I hadn’t planned on going that far tonight.”  He couldn’t help it; Spencer had to taste her skin just there.  He started pressing kisses under her ear and she moaned softly.  “I’m curious.”  She admitted in a softer voice.  “I just want to see…”

Thom chuckled.  “Well I think we can get Spence here to do that for you, but I think we both want to see in return.  Thing is, watching you is going to build up some pressure and he gets kind of tender if he has to let go twice, so why don’t you go first and then you can help me with something I’ve wanted to try.”

It took her a moment to realize what he meant.  When she did she blushed harder, and looked from him back to Spencer, her eyes wide.  “All right.”  She said at last, sort of nuzzling into Spencer.  “I will.” 

He groaned into her hair in reply and pressed himself as tightly against the wall behind him as he could, giving her room to lay back.  He didn’t quite believe it, she was going to…and she was going to in his arms.  Right  _here_  in his arms.  As they watched, fascinated, she started touching her own breasts through the thin material of her night top, cupping and caressing and running her fingers over the tips.  Her other hand slid down beneath the waistband of her shorts, first revealing the fascinating bit of lace that must have been her panties and then a bit of what looked to be orange fur in the dim light.  They couldn’t see what she was doing down there, but this close he could smell her arousal, somehow warmer and spicier than the scent left behind after he was done.  It left him dizzy and so hard it ached.

He looked up at Thom who was watching wide-eyed, fascinated.  “God you are beautiful, peaches.”  He murmured, placing a kiss on her bare shoulder that drew a moan from her throat.  Spencer took that as a sign that perhaps some attention would not be unwelcome and nuzzled a kiss into her temple, and got more of those small, sweet sounds and her arching toward him as a reward.   Then, as he watched she slipped her hand underneath her shirt and started kneading and caressing herself directly.  “I didn’t realize breasts mattered so much.”  Thom murmured.

“Mmmm, oh yeah.  Uhh, mine do.”  She managed to reply between groans.

“Yea?  Let’s see.”  He reached up and tugged the strap of her top off her shoulder; baring her on the side she was giving the most attention.  Spencer had seen bare breasts before, in some of the magazines that got passed around the house from time to time, and on the internet.  But he had never seen one so perfectly formed, so soft and so creamy and with a tip just that exquisite shade of dark rose.  He watched, utterly fascinated as she cupped and caressed that soft bit of flesh, ever so lightly flicking the sensitive tip.  Tactile hypersensitivity, he recalled, and proprioceptive hyposensitivity, she wanted gentle, soft touches on her skin and big, squeezing hugs to stimulate her muscles and joints.  He looked up at Thom who was clearly remembering the same thing with a smile that was all dare.  “Do it.”  He commanded.  “Arm and leg.”

His words had drawn Milly out of her passionate haze, she opened her eyes and looked at him, just a little confused.  Thom reached down and wrapped one hand around her thigh, holding it in place and caressing the soft skin, drawing a moan from her throat.  Spencer tangled his calves around her other leg and then taking the hand she was using on her breasts and lifting it over her head, fingers tangling with hers, holding it there.  As her gaze locked on his he ran his free hand over that sweet curve, finding it as soft and warm as it looked, and was gratified when she arched into his touch and moaned even louder.

“Keep your voice down peaches.  We don’t want company.”

While her own fingers were busily moving under the cloth of her shorts Spencer slowly and gently explored this very new thing in his hands.  It was more resilient that he had expected, firm and full and the skin was powdery in its softness.  In the center was a wide circle of pink that was even softer, silken and tender, and in the center of that was the tight bud with velvet at the very tip.  He alternated cupping the entire thing in his palm, kneading it gently with his outstretched fingers, with gently brushing over that velvet tip, feather light, or ever so gently rolling or plucking at it as she had.  Is this how Thom feels when he takes me, Spencer thought; is this the power he feels, to make someone come completely undone?  He looked over and saw that Thom had that wide eyed stare he got when he marked the picture he was going to draw, and knew that his other lover was just as affected by the experience as he was.

It only took moments before she stopped biting back her moans, started whispering “please please please please”.  Then all of a sudden she cried out just once, her body going rigid, arching up into her own touch.  The sweet spice sent on the air grew stronger and she fell back onto the bed, her hips snapping a half dozen times as she shook and gasped.  By the time she lay still she was panting.

He pulled up her shirt to protect too sensitive flesh, gathered her in, let her bury her face in his chest as she recovered, bashful now, perhaps a bit shocked that she had really just done that in front of them.  When she looked up for reassurance he kissed it into her.  “You really are the most beautiful thing.”  He told her, because it was true.  “You always will be to me.”  She wrapped her arms around him and pressed in close, some wordless murmur in reply, and all the while they could hear Thom’s pen scratching over the paper as he made love to her in the best way he could.

It wasn’t too long before Thom looked up, catching Spencer’s eye.  “His turn, if you’re ready peaches.  She looked over her shoulder and nodded.  He leaned over and whispered right into her ear, causing a wicked look to come into her eyes.  “Now why don’t you two changes places.”

He rolled over Milly, all arms and legs and tangled for a moment before he was on his back where she had been and she was pressed up against the wall. She wrapped one arm around his chest, threading it in to his open shirt to caress the skin over his torso.  Her other hand tangled in his fingers and pinned them over the bed, pinning him easily since he had no desire to get away.  “Say stop and we will.”  She murmured reassuringly into his ear before kissing his neck and making his now slightly soft erection go rigid again.  He was so rigid he literally popped free as Thom knelt at the end of the bed and pulled his boxers down, bobbing gently in the cool air.  “Oh.”  She breathed just by his ear.  “Now it makes sense.”

“Good to know.”  He groaned as Thom ran his hand up his thigh before taking him firmly in hand.

“If this doesn’t look right it’s because the lucky bastard is uncut.”  Thom told her as he stroked back down, rolling back his love’s foreskin, revealing the flushed, red head of his cock.  “The foreskin protects everything, leaving it about as sensitive as your parts.  Especially right here.” Spencer felt a light brushing over the bottom of his crown and couldn’t help thrusting up for more.  “That’s the equivalent of a clit on a girl.  Bet it reacts the same way.”  And then he leaned down…

It was the hot movement of air over his sensitive head that first alerted him to what Thom had in mind.  But before he could completely process there was a fluttering, wet touch and then wet heat everywhere as Thom gently suckled him in.  Spencer almost lost it right there, his body arching off the bed in a spasm of pure pleasure, but Milly tightened down and held him, firm and safe in her arms.  “Oh god, oh god, oh god.”  He heard himself babbling as Thom’s tongue swirled around his crown and lights flashed behind his eyelids.  He went tight, trying to stop from thrusting up too hard, trying not to slam into all that heat.

“Shhh, we’ve got you.”  Milly murmured into his ear.  “Just breathe, love, just breathe.”

Thom pulled off and looked up for a moment, a wicked smile on his face.  “Hold him tight, peaches.”  And her arm tightened again.  “Don’t let him go.”

Spencer took a deep, shaking breath but it came out as a groan as Thom sucked him in deeper on the exhale.  They quickly settled into an easy rhythm that had him racing toward the end, the only awful thing.  I don’t want this to end he thought as Thom traced the underside of his cock with the tip of his tongue and Milly trailed kisses down his throat, this feels so safe like this and so incredibly good, I don’t want this night to end.

But his body demanded satisfaction.  At the last moment he couldn’t hold back his thrusts any longer and Thom backed off as he pumped into the cool night air and gave one hoarse shout and exploded, the world spinning hard and away, as he fell and fell and fell right into their arms.  As he landed he felt hot, thick drops landing on his stomach and chest like rain.

“Oh.”  Milly murmured again as Thom backed away, wide eyed, to find his notebook again.  She let his hands go, helped him tug his boxer shorts back up to protect now extremely sensitive flesh and then he blotted up the mess with the hem of his night shirt as best he could before laying back into her waiting arms.  “You’re beautiful too, you know.”  She told him.

“Really?”  He cupped one hand behind her head and pulled her down and kissed her.  “Curiosity satisfied?’’

“For now.”

They lay there, tangled together, until Thom got up and dropped to pictures down onto their bodies, his posture tense, his eyes awaiting judgment.  He’d captured Milly at the moment when Spencer first cupped her breast, the sudden gasp of pleasure intensified, the awe on his face.  He’d captured Spencer seconds after he’d shot, that moment of pure, floating pleasure, the fascinated intensity as Milly watched over his shoulder.  It was all there, honest and real and exactly how it had been.  “yes.”  Was all he had to say.  Spencer reached up and pulled Thom down to his knees and into his other arm, holding him against his chest as he groaned and shook and found the only pleasure he could, the pleasure of being known and understood once more.

* * *

When they woke the next morning Milly was gone, having slipped back to her room sometime in the night.  Spencer was afraid that she regretted her actions, that she wouldn’t be able to face them in the morning, that she would be  _gone_.  But she had taken the picture of him with her, left him the one of her, so that had to be a good sign, right?

Right?

“You think she’s all right?”  He asked Thom.

“I hope so.”  He replied.  “I know I am.  You?”

“Very much so.”  They had always intended the sexual side of things to follow friendship and intimacy, eros to follow agape in the Greek, but having actually reached that was heady and amazing.  He had lovers now, and he never wanted to go back to life without them.

Downstairs to breakfast and still no Milly.  She appeared just as he was sitting down, while Thom was still getting his coffee.  Still in her schoolgirl clothes, but she appeared older somehow, more womanly, with something confident and sure in her step.  She stopped to say something quietly to Thom, something that surprised him, and as she walked past she ran an easy hand over his hip where no one could see.  Only then did she come to dump her bag at their table and lean over to whisper, one hand on his shoulder, her fingers just brushing his neck, the scent of her soap and that spicy sweetness just under it that he and his cock recognized so well now.  “I can’t  _wait_ until I turn eighteen.”  She whispered before heading to the kitchen to get her breakfast. 

Eighteen, when actual intercourse would be legal.  Between the memory of last night, and bless his eidetic memory, and her scent and being there and that thought he was instantly rock hard under the table.  Thom wandered over, seeing the look on his face.  “Problems?’

“Bite me.”

Thom chuckled and let his accent slip a little.  “Well if you’d told me you liked it that rough.” 

Spencer groaned.  Thom just made it worse.  Thankfully he didn’t have to rush off to class right this minute.

“The question is,” Thom said, sitting down and speaking quietly enough so no one would hear, “Are you ever going to be able to look at her in pigtails again without getting hard.”

“I doubt it.”  And she wore them to Krav three days a week.  He was screwed.

“Maybe we can try something else tonight.”  Thom said, trying to be comforting and managing the opposite.  “There are what, seven hundred and ninety ways you can put three people together?”

“Seven hundred and ninety-two.”  And he was going to ache with thinking of the possibilities all day.

Just then Milly’s phone rang.  “Hi Dad…home early…how many bug bites?”

Or not.  Spencer groaned into his pancakes as Thom just laughed.


	6. Flashback - 01/06/98

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did Spencer get out of this, back at the beginning?  
> Trigger warnings: Underage sexuality, indications of abuse.

**1564 S. 9 th St.**  
 **Las Vegas, NV**  
 **01/16/98**

**Spencer**

It was normal. This was normal.  He had carefully reviewed the literature and what his body was doing was completely normal for a pre-adolescent male.

Spencer lay back on the couch in the basement and considered the female form.  At one point he would have considered one Alexa Lisbon, specifically, the way her hair caught the light, the way the firm curve of her breasts filled out her shirt, the fruit-sweet scent of her hair as she walked by him in the hall.  But after becoming aware of an unfortunate spontaneous erection he’d achieved in her presence she’s got the football team involved and…no, if he remembered what happened he’d never manage to do this.

Then a few weeks ago he’d gotten up the courage to see if his body would respond or if the humiliation was too great.  He’d waiting until his Mother was out with her meds, come into his room, and settled into bed to try, only to hear a  _tap-tap-tapping_  at the window.  Apparently some members of said football team had learned of the magazine he had purchased for the event and had decided to come around for a visit.   _You in there Spency?  You jacking off in there?  We know what you’re doing you little freak…._

There were no windows down here.  The doors and windows upstairs were double locked.  All the blinds were drawn.  His mother was in bed for the night.  No one should disturb him.  And so he settled back with what the literature said was required, slid his hand down his pants and considered the female form.  Specifically the form of the actress in a movie he had recently seen based off  _Portrait of a Lady_  by Henry James.  Yeah, he knew that guys weren’t supposed to be into to the so-called costume dramas, but the thought of a girl in ribbons and lace and all that passion so carefully controlled behind proper manners that he could win and woo with knowledge and words and then maybe she’d let him slowly undo her gown to get at the soft, creamy skin underneath and…

Just as he was getting past that first swell of heat and the girl of his imaginings was pulling aside her warm, silken hair to allow him to press a kiss to her shoulder just there he heard the door at the top of the stairs bang open.  “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!”  Diana Reid shrieked

Oh crap!  “Mom!  I was…I was ahhhh…”

His mom ran down the stairs, her eyes wide with panic.  Panic that swiftly turned to anger.  “You take your hands off my baby you monster!!!”  She screamed, slashing the air inches above with a kitchen knife.  “You leave him alone!!”

Spencer swiftly rolled down and off the couch, heart pounding, as his mother attacked the couch, stabbing the cushions over and over, upholstery foam flying.  If he hadn’t moved when he did she would have killed him while defending him from the monsters only she could see.  I can’t let my guard down, he thought, I can’t relax.  Not ever.  It’s just not safe.

**Galois House**  
 **California Institute of Technology**  
 **Pasadena, CA**  
 **04/19/02**

He could hear them coming down the hall.  Some of the oldest guys in the house had been allowed to participate in the annual CalTech tradition of Ditch Day.  Now Spencer could hear them returning, and more than a bit rowdy.

Fuck.

“HEYYYYYY!!!”  One of them howled as he threw open the door to room #5 and proceeded to spray silly string everywhere.  “PAAARRR-TAAAAYYYYY!!!!”

“Hey asshole!”  Thom Hartmann had been his roommate all year, and more and more his confidant and friend.  Not surprising given that Thom’s family was even more fucked up than his.  But even though Thom had yet to have a real good growth spurt, he was still built like a country boy, his words, short and scrawny, he had years of experiencing wresting livestock and big brothers in equal measure, and had no fear of physical confrontation.  Now Thom was flying out of his chair.  “We don’t want your party!  Get out!”  He hollered as he literally, physically muscled the older boy out of the room.  “Jerk.”  Thom muttered as he shut the door and propped his desk chair under the knob.  “You all right?”  He asked.

Spencer was older, sure, but he was also rail thin and unused to roughhousing of any kind.  For some reason no matter how much time he spent in the gym in the basement he never managed to get any stronger, just hungrier.  So even though Thom was younger, that he was somehow stronger, had a body that could…could…Spencer swallowed hard.  “Yeah…yeah, I’m fine.”

Later that night he was forced awake by a dream he couldn’t remember, and the power of the release that spewed over the sheets.

**05/15/02**

Some weeks later Spencer came back to his room and found a notebook propped against his desk lamp with a Post-it note on the front.

_I’m sorry_

He opened it and found drawings.  Remarkable drawings, done only in a fine, black technical pen, and of Milly and of him.  The first one of Milly was of her down in the common room, her head bent over her books, holding a spoonful of dripping ice cream in the air, utterly forgotten by whatever bit of information had that fascination on her face.  The first one of him was of him looking relaxed, almost meditative, while he rolled a quarter over his knuckles, a picture so detailed that even the score marks on the edge of the coin were perfectly placed.

He had to admit it, it was enchanting.  He hadn’t though anyone ever looked at him like that.  He’d never thought anyone would consider him worthy of that kind of study.

The pictures went on and on, pages of them, of him, of Milly, working, studying, sometimes talking together in the garden, their heads bent over books, pages worth of memories and captured with near photographic detail, but the sensitivity of the human heart.  And all of it with an accuracy that conveyed the honesty, the truth of what they had been that day.

The last one stopped him in his tracks.

Spencer felt his heart start pounding as his mouth grew dry.  The picture caught him in bed with the light coming through his window.  His hand was under the sheets and his face was caught up in such intense pleasure that he had to be…he’d been captured the moment he’d…He set the notebook aside in shock. 

He thought Thom had been  _asleep_.

Spencer had only done that because he finally felt so safe and so comfortable and so good with the younger man in the room.  It had been such a relief to finally feel normal and to finally let some of that energy go.  But he had been careful and quiet and he thought unseen and unnoticed.  And now this…

“I’m sorry.”  Said a quiet voice from the door.

Spencer didn’t look up just yet.  How do I feel?  He asked himself.  How do I feel about this?  Does it really bother me?  No, he realized, I don’t care if Thom looks at me, I don’t care if he watches.  It’s normal, and I trust him.  He won’t hurt me or laugh, and there are far more embarrassing things in the world.  “It’s all right.”  He heard himself saying.  “I…I don’t mind.”

“You don’t?”  The surprise was clear in Thom’s voice.

Do I like it when he watches me?  I’m…not sure.  But I like it when he’s here, it pretty much only works when he’s in the room.  “No.  I’d…I’d rather have you here, honestly.”  The moment it was out he realized that was true.  “But you never…”

“No.  I…can’t.  My folks…”  Spencer shook his head; Thom didn’t have to keep going.  They all knew, now, just how bad Thom’s home life had been.  “I can’t do something like that.”

Can’t ?  “Ever?”  Spencer could not imagine.

“Probably.  But that’s okay.”  Thom kind of smiled.  “I like watching other people.  They can just be so beautiful when they think you aren’t looking.  They can be so honest and so lovely.”

“What about when they know you’re looking?”

“I don’t know.”  Thom replied.  “No one’s ever been willing to…to...”

There was something heavy in the room, Spencer realized, something that was growing and doubling and weighing him down with thick heat.  That wasn’t fair, he thought, Thom should…he deserves…  I love him, and if that’s the only way he could find release then… “Well as far as I’m concerned you can watch me whenever you like.  I’ll…I’ll sit for you.” 

Thom smiled, half in pleasure, half in relief.  “I want to ask Milly too, but after what Sharon did…”

“Yeah, if your intent is to draw her with her clothes off she’ll probably make you wait until after I marry her at this point.”  Spencer agreed.  “If nothing else her Dad would murder the three of us otherwise.”  They both had to chuckle, Mr. Bennett was perhaps the only adult they could trust and wouldn’t cross.

“Not exactly with her clothes off.  Well, not just with…”  Thom’s eyes strayed to the note book.  Oh, Spencer realized, he wanted to watch her when she made herself….  The thought of seeing those pictures made his heart pound and his head spin.   “…but you’re right.”  Thom was saying.   “Would you?”  He asked suddenly.

Whatever was heavy in the room doubled and doubled again, and Spencer felt his heart pounding.  Oh.   _Oh_.  Would he?  Would he?  He…he… he met Thom’s eyes and knew he trusted him and loved him and…

Spencer reached down to stroke his growing hardness through the soft cloth of his pants.  “Guard the door.”

 


	7. Cut scene - Chapter 71 - 04/02/06

**Ravensworth House**   
**3501 Newark St. NW**   
**Washington DC**   
**04/02/06**

**Spencer**

Eventually, after they were finished with supper and finished with cake and Milly had finished with the How Dare She it all came down to a simple question:  “Do you want to try?”

“I know you’re scared, peaches.  But don’t worry; I’m going to be right there to make sure you stay inside your skin.”  Thom had stepped right up behind her, had his head practically on her shoulder so he could lower his voice.  But even with Thom that close Spencer realized that she wasn’t taking her eyes off his.  He could see her eyes dilate, her cheeks flush and her lips parting.  “And I think brother bear here has some ideas that you are going to enjoy most highly.  If you think you’re ready to try, that is, you can always say no.”Spencer swore gravity was doubling in the room.  And then it doubled again when she moistened her lips and smiled.  “I think I can try.”

As Spencer bent to kiss her, long and slow and so very hungry he heard Thom chuckle.  “Good.  That’s good.”  She wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him in to her, almost instinctively cradling his sudden hardness against her.  For a moment he had a wild thought of just lifting her that few extra inches until her ass rested on the edge of the counter, where she’d be at the perfect height and he could just take and take and take.  For a moment he was dizzy with the thought.  When the kiss broke she looked up at him, her lips read and swollen, her eyes wide with wanting and not at all afraid.  “Now, now, not here.”  Thom said as he pulled Milly back against him.  “You go take a shower, brother bear, and meet us back in the bedroom.  Go on.”

Shower.  Right.  This had to be an exercise in avoiding triggers and neither of the men who had held her were the very hygienic type.  He hurried to the bathroom, noted that Thom had left some candles burning in there to keep the mood going, and had left out some soap with a scent that wasn’t likely to trigger anything.  He kept the water hot and scrubbed down quickly, praying all the while that she wouldn’t get frightened and change her mind.  Not after Lila and the pool and…right.

He headed into the bedroom clad only in his glasses and a pair of clean pajama pants hanging low on his hips, Thom having left them out, answering the question of what to wear for a seduction.  Milly was wearing her pajama bottoms, plaid flannel never having been quite the turn-on before, and a soft, pink sweater buttoned up the front.  Her hair hung loose, so that she had to pull it out of the way when she turned from the crackling fire to look at him.  “Still want to?”  He asked as he stepped close.

‘Yes.”  She replied as she put her arms around him.  She rested in his arms for a long moment, until she relaxed against him and then tipped her head back for more kisses.  He gave them to her gladly, savoring the taste of tea and chocolate cake and traces of wood smoke and honey from the candles clustered around the room. 

The room was warm, not cold and open to the night, and warmly lit, not dark or with a harsh barn light to burn her eyes, and it smelled of something gentle and pleasant, not human filth, all intended to keep the triggers away, but all making this a perfect setting for these kisses, this touch, the way she felt against him.  He experimented with that, running his hands over her torso, gently gliding over the curves that had finally started filling out again.  He discovered that the sweater she was wearing was as soft as kitten fur, and must have felt as good against her skin as it did to his hands from the way she was murmuring with pleasure between the kisses.  If this, if all of this, is Thom’s doing I heartily approve, he thought.

It wasn’t until he tried to slide that sweater up, when he laid his hands on the skin of her waist, that her murmurs became more distressful.  But as soon as she made that sound Thom was there, fully dressed still, stepping up behind her, a gentle hand on her back.  “It’s all right peaches, you just stay here.”  He murmured, the sound of his voice grounding her.  That was not something Spencer had ever been able to do, he would get all absorbed in texture and sensation and practically lose the ability to vocalize at all.  But Thom talked during sex, or what passed for it. He had this way of almost giving commands; saying things in a way that almost compelled you to follow his lead, and since his lead always lead to intense pleasure Spencer had never had any reason to say no.  “It’s all safe here, nice and warm.  And it’s all gonna feel that good.  See?”  He gently tugged on her hair, getting her to tip her head over, nodded to Spencer to kiss her there. Which he did, and was granted her moan of pleasure as a reward for following directions so well.  “That’s it peaches.”  He murmured into her other ear, pressing against her back, trapping her between them.  “See how good it can be.”  He released her hair then, to allow Spencer to go back to kissing her.

After this, after a time of long, slow drugging kisses and Thom gently rocking Molly into Spencer’s body, letting her get used to just how aroused, after she had started to melt between them he was Thom put his arms around her from behind and pulled her up against him.  “I think brother bear here might like to see you.”  He said into her ear as she arched into the sensation of his breath on her neck.  “I can tell you’re beautiful, artist and all, but I think he’d like to see the real deal.  What do you think?”  He started undoing the buttons on her sweater as Spencer watched.  There’s a term for this, some distant part of his mind thought, this is a particular paraphilia, but it doesn’t look like Milly minds at all.  But then that sweater came open, Thom peeling it away to reveal just how beautiful she was, all ivory skin and soft, slight curves and rosy pink tips being just caressed by tendrils of flame red hair and bright blue eyes dark with desire and watching his every reaction.  “Now, brother bear, I don’t think you should start with your hand here.”  Thom said as he peeled her sweater off the rest of the way and tossed it on to the bed, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her back against him as he did so.  “I think you can do better than that, don’t you?”  With that he slid his now empty hand up and cupped one soft mound, plumping it in invitation.

It was an invitation Spencer had no problem accepting.  He wrapped long fingers around her waist to hold on and lowered his mouth to the offered treasure, kissing that tight coral bud gently before sucking it into his mouth.  “Ohhhh yes.”  She groaned as he teased it with the tip of his tongue, her leaning back, Thom taking her weight, holding her still for the gentle assault.  And assault it was, he knew, he didn’t want to overload her system and make her pull away, but when he tugged her nipple until it popped free of his lips and was going to kiss her again a tight fist clamped into his hair and guided him back, still holding her breast plumped and offered for attention.  For a long moment Thom held him there, forcing him to do exactly what he wanted to do, to lavish attention on that one small point as his wife’s cries grew louder and wilder.  Then Thom switched hands and tugged him over to the other side, as rough with him as he was being gentle with Milly, taking control in a way that made Spencer start to ache and even leak a little with the sheer damn heat of it all.

Finally Thom let go, allowing Spencer to straighten up and find Milly lips again.  She was very present now, unafraid of his hands, of his body against hers, both bare from the waist up.  “I don’t think you need these anymore peaches.”  Thom said as his hands came around her body once more, loosening the drawstring on her pajamas, letting them fall to the floor.  Spencer pulled her back in close, ran his hands over her hips, the glorious curve of her ass, realized that yes, she was completely naked in his arms, and very nearly fell over from the realization.  “Bed.”  Thom said, which was another brilliant idea.  Spencer scooped Milly up in his arms with a strength he didn’t realize he possessed and laid her down on the big Shaker four-poster they had bought just for this room, letting her sink into the thick feather bed as he ran his hands over her skin, savoring the scent rose from her body as he pressed kisses over her jaw, collar, shoulder.

Maybe it was being on her back that had her sounding uncertain again, but she shouldn’t have worried.  Thom was right there, curling around them like a big cat.  “You’re safe peaches.”  He said, running a calming hand over her shoulder and down her arm.  “But I don’t think brother bear should start with his hands.  Why don’t you come back here and give him room to work?”

Splendid idea!  As Thom pulled Milly back against him Spencer started kissing his way down her body.  He’d dreamed of this ever since she got back, how he would kiss her shoulder, the sweet curve of her breast, pepper her tummy gentle and quick, before letting a kiss linger on her thigh so he could drown in the scent of her arousal.  He looked up her body to see her drifting in a haze of pleasure, biting her lip as if trying to decide if her should or not but clearly not wanting him to stop, and Thom, calm and in control, holding her snug in his arms, watching him over her should as if to guide his performance if needed.  It wasn’t.  He turned to what he was doing, placed soft kisses over the denuded and oh so sensitive skin of her mons, waiting for any objection, and when there wasn’t one he dipped his head and kissed her open, gently finding the hidden nub he knew was there, and toying with it much as he had with the tips of her breasts.  She cried out his name and opened for him, letting him have his way, which he did, getting lightheaded.  Prostaglandins, he thought, biochemicals, I’m getting high and it’s wonderful.  He licked and laved and loved until he thought she was ready and then carefully slipped one finger in to where she was so hot and so tights.  She moaned and clamped down against the invasion at first but he just waited and focused on that nub until she opened again and he was able to slip all the way in.  In, inside her body.  For a moment he looked up at Thom and saw his wonder reflected back at him, that she was letting them do this.  That she was enjoying this.

Eventually one finger became two, and then he was gently stroking while he teased, learning how to keep her right on that edge, simmering but not falling.  The problem was that she almost seemed too tight, like her body was fighting against that which she so clearly wanted, denying him entrance based on a learned reaction, not her pleasure.  Then he had an idea.  He pushed in deeper, and then deeper still as she relaxed, until he found this small, firm nub deep inside.  He gently caressed it and was rewarded with a moan deeper than any before and her muscles relaxing around his fingers and her hips rising to thrust him in deeper and a flood of hot moisture.  “Oh please, Spencer.  Please.  Please!” 

He was not going to turn that request down.  With one last kiss he was rising up over her body, letting his pants fall as he went.  This wasn’t going to last long, he thought regretfully as his cock started twitching, desperate to be in her heat.  He settled between her legs, cupping her face to get her to look at him and only at him.  “You sure?”  He asked as he brushed his length against her and kissed her one more time.

In response she reached down and opened herself, started trying to press him down, the better to angle him in.  His first thrust was gentle, he gave it all of his strength to hold back but he somehow did it.  She groaned and he held there, letting her open and adjust to him.  But when she thrust her hips up to him and wrapped her legs around him he let himself sink fully, deeply, until he was right up against that nub and she was unearthly moans of the deepest pleasure.  He started slowly at first, wanting to find a rhythm that would let him savor, but she was having none of that.  She arched her hips against him faster and harder, and he realized that she still had her hand down there, was playing with herself even as he was taking her, which was somehow impossibly hot.  “yes,:  She started murmuring, “yes, yes, yes” over and over and he had just enough time to realize that she was  _smiling_  before she gasped and tightened around him, every inch of her and he could feel her inner walls sucking on him, pulling him.  She is, he thought, she is and then a wave seemed to start in his spine as his balls drew up and everything exploded in waves of hot, shaking pleasure as he emptied himself into her.  He groaned as she cried out, then she caught her breath and he opened his eyes and looked at her as she tightened even harder and flew once more as his heat took her. 

He landed on top of her, trying to catch his weight with his arms and more or less failing.  Milly lay there gasping at first, and then she started to laugh.  It was the rich, rolling laugh that just went on and on, gales of giggles as she lay there, otherwise unmoving.  “Someone’s high.”  Thom said, teasing gently.  He’d landed almost across the pillows, had been just watching during that final flurry of everything wonderful.  Now he propped his head on his upraised hand and watched them, an indulgent smile on his face.

“I think so.”  Spencer replied as he cradled her face in his hands, otherwise not moving, letting his weight drive the last of the blood from her pelvis, in no hurry to leave her heat.  Prostaglandins, he thought, oxytocin, prolactin. All the wonderful hormones of pleasure that bound two people together, body to body, heart to heart, were now coursing through her veins for the first time, getting her silly high with love, making her laugh from the sheer joy of it all.  And honestly he was not that far off, he couldn’t stop grinning, couldn’t stop pressing little kisses all over her perfectly beautiful face.  “I think she’s not the only one.”

“And that is not a bad thing.”  Spencer felt Thom slowly slide out of bed and heard him tend to the fire.  “I told you it would work.”

“Confidence, thy name is Thom Reid.”  Spencer teased as Milly finally stopped laughing and just smiled up at him luminous in the candle light.

“Always brother bear.  Always.”


	8. Flashback - 06/01/99

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings - abuse, religious abuse, slash

 

**Hartmann Farm**   
**Outside Greenville MS**   
**06/01/99**

**Thom**

“What were you doing last night?”  Thom asked his brother, John.

It was early, the sun barely coming up.  They were cleaning out the barn before breakfast, after which Thom would head upstairs to study with Grandpa, while the other boys went to work with Dad, or learned their lessons around the table with Mom.  “What do you mean?”  John asked.

“Last night.  In bed.”  Their beds weren’t really beds.  They were pallet shelves from the Costco, with a layer of foam for a mattress, one on each side, with just enough room for the eldest brother, Matthew, to walk between them.  Matt got his own bed at the bottom of the room.  That left Mark and Luke up by the ceiling, him and John the next one down, the twins Peter and Paul below them, and then the little ones on the bottom where they wouldn’t get hurt if they rolled out of bed.  Given that, it had been easy to see that John was doing something in the moonlight last night.  “What were you doing?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  John told him, curtly.  “Get your work done.”

Thom sighed.  If there was one thing he hated it was an unanswered question.  He liked answers, and precise ones.  And that wasn’t a bad thing; Grandpa said that would make him a good engineer someday.  But he didn’t know how to explain to Luke what he had seen, it was…different and…difficult and Luke had looked so….so…

So later that night he drew John a picture, with all the detail he could put into it, so John would know exactly what he was talking about.  And he showed it to him the next morning.

The fight got started immediately. 

“You sick little freak!”  John hollered out as he threw the first punch.

“What did I do?!” 

“Watching me, you dammed little pervert!”

Neither of them saw their father watching them

* * *

“Easy son.”  Thom’s Grandfather said, as he eased the ice pack over the boy’s swollen face.  “What on earth were you thinking?”

“I wanted to know what he was doing.”  Thom replied.  Yeah, it hurt but it wasn’t the first time one of his brother’s had given him a beat- down.  He wasn’t afraid of being hit any more.  “And I didn’t know how to explain it so I showed him what I saw.  I…I guess he didn’t want to know.”

“He didn’t.”  Grandpa moved to his chair and sat, heavily.  “You have a gift, Thom.  You have a remarkable gift for seeing the truth in people and being able to capture that and share it with the world.  The problem is most people don’t want someone else to see the truth in them.  And they sure as mustard don’t want it written down for posterity.”

“So what do I do?  It is just…one of those too freaky to talk about things?”  Thinks like how quickly he could do math in his head or how he could look at an engine and see all the parts and how they were working together just like that.

“Save it for your wife.”  Grandpa said after thinking a moment.  “Nothing is ‘too freaky’ son, but some things need to be saved for the appropriate time and place.  You save how you see engines and explain it to the people at that school in California, and you save how you really see people for the woman you marry.  If she really loves you she’ll be happy that you see her that way.”  Thom sighed; his Grandpa did have a point.  “Now, come help me pack for my reunion.”

“I wish you weren’t going.”  Thom admitted as he went to sit on the bed beside the big blue suitcase that smelled like mothballs.  “Or that I was going with you.”

“Well, your father didn’t allow it.  Now you mind him while I’m gone and don’t worry about any school work and everything will work out fine.”

* * *

 

**06/05/99**

Grandfather left on Saturday to take the train out to California to spend two weeks with all his old Army buddies.  On Sunday they had church all day, as usual.  But on Monday, when they came in from doing the chores, there was no breakfast to be had.  “We are not breaking our fast today.”  Their father said, as they all stood around the table.  “it has come to my attention that I have not followed the commands of our Lord, and by not doing so I have allowed sin to take root in our family.”

Oh there was no way this could be good.  Thom looked across the table at John, knowing he was thinking the exact same thing, while Matt nervously asked.  “Sir?”

“Genesis 17:9-10 And God said unto Abraham, Thou shalt keep my covenant therefore, thou, and thy seed after thee in their generations. This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised.” 

Thom wasn’t exactly certain what that meant, but he knew it had to be much worse than expected by the way the older boys went pale.  “You are not serious.” Mark said.

Their father calmly closed his bible and then cracked Mark across the face with the heavy book so hard his head snapped back.  “Are you defying your father?”  He thundered.  He walloped Mark on the other side.  “Are you standing in rebellion against your headship before the Lord?!”  He hit him a third time and now blood was trickling from his nose and the corner of his mouth.  “Do you know what must be done to disobedient sons?!”

Mark was breathing heavily, fear mixing with anger in his eyes.  “They…they must be put to death, Sir.”

“Is this what you want?”

“No, Sir.”

“Then you will obey me.  Today we will all properly enter into covenant with the Lord.”  He opened the kitchen door to reveal a white sheet, sharp knives and the first aid kit laid out on the butcher block.  “The eldest will go first until this sin is rectified.”

* * *

Later that night they all lay in their beds, the oldest gritting their teeth, the younger ones quietly sobbing from the unrelenting pain.  John looked over at him, murder in his eyes.  “This is all your fault, you fucking little freak.  You fucking  _deserved_  it.”

No, Thom thought through the waves of pain, none of us did.  

* * *

 

**06/14/99**

“Well.”  Grandpa said as he hoisted his suitcase up on the bed.  “Did anything happen while I was gone?”

I can’t tell him, Thom thought.  If I hadn’t said anything this never would have happened.  Its better I not say anything at all.  “No, Sir.”

“Good.  Good.  That’s fine.”

**07/21/00**

“Your turn.”  Jimmy told him

Jimmy Byer and his family had been living on their farm for months now.  They were members of the same congregation, and when Jimmy’s Dad lost his job and then they were kicked off the property they rented Thom’s Dad said they could set up camp in the south field.  It couldn’t have been easy on the family, but Thom didn’t think much of it.  They seemed happy enough.

Jimmy was amazing.

He was two years older, big and filling out with age and time.  Presence was a good way to put it, with pale skin and heavy muscles that rippled whenever he worked without his shirt, and manners that put anyone around him at ease.  And he was the first one who was actually interested in what Thom was studying up with Grandpa, in how he saw engines and stars and what numbers could do, in what Thom was going to do at the end of the summer.  They had spent all summer in the woods beyond the farm, trying to hunt, fishing, talking about tomorrows and the world out beyond the narrow confines of the church.  “I wish I was going away.”  Jimmy said at last.  “You are so lucky.”

They were sitting on the log by the creek, watching the slow summer flow roll by.  Monday next Thom and his Grandpa were boarding a train to California and CalTech.  “You’ll be able to go away in a few years.”  Thom told him.  “You’ll be able to go off to college too.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Why not?”

“We’re not studying anymore.”  Jimmy admitted.  “Mom said it was too hard homeschooling in a tent, especially with another baby on the way.  So we just stopped.  I can’t go off to college if I never finish high school.”

Damn.   The unfairness of it struck Thom hard.  He looked over at Jimmy, saw the anger in the lines of his face, the regret in the tightness around his eyes, the hate in the set of his jaw.  I wish I could show him, Thom thought, if he knew the truth of it he wouldn’t stop.  But I don’t know… “I wish I could take you with me.”  He said.

“I wish I could go.”  Jimmy replied.

Thom could again feel the soft heat that he had felt so many times that summer, the soft heat that filled his belly and pooled in the base of his spine.  The one time he had thought maybe, and stuck his own hands under the blanket that night he’d ended up rolling in agony as the scars on his cock bore down tight.  No, he could not sin like that, and so the heat just pooled there, every time he saw Jimmy as he truly was.  I wish I could show him, Thom thought as he pulled his ever present notebook, filled with mechanical sketches and designs, out of his pocket.  I wish he could see.

He sketched quickly, as Jimmy tossed pebbles and twigs into the water and contemplated the unfairness of life as only a fourteen year old can.  When he finished he showed Jimmy what he had drawn.  “Do you see?”  He asked as the heat within him grew and grew.  “Do you see?”

Jimmy looked up at him, shocked.  “This is me?”  He asked.  “This is what you see?”

“Yes.”  Thom felt like the top of his head was on fire from all the heat within. 

Jimmy just stared.  “Wow.”  He finally gasped.  “I had no idea.”

Thom couldn’t help it.  I have to, he thought, I have to or I will burn to ash.  He leaned over and kissed Jimmy full on the mouth, groaning as the heat threatened to explode…

Jimmy pushed him away and sat back, shock and horror on his face.  He dropped the notebook and stood up, walking quickly away.

Thom never saw Jimmy again.

* * *

 

**Galois House**   
**California Institute of Technology**   
**05/15/02**

Thom’s head was spinning as Spencer landed on the floor, an utter mess from what he had done.

Ever since his first day, still confused and sore over Jimmy’s rejection, Thom had been attracted to his roommate.  He’d never met anyone more intelligent than he was, better read, better educated.  But he was also long and lean and had this graceful elegance when he moved.  And there was something about him, something in his eyes, some fear that simply would not go away, not unless they were alone.  It was so gratifying the way he opened up when they were alone, like he was doing it just for him.

It was wrong.  He knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t help drawing him.  Just like he couldn’t help drawing Milly, the girl hidden beneath Sharon’s sickness, he just couldn’t let their truths go.  And then one night he woke up and saw Spencer in the moonlight just like that and he just wanted to _join_  him, he wanted to  _find_  that with him, but the pain of his scars was too great.  In the end his father had been both wrong and right, erection and ejaculation were not sinful, but after what he did that day they couldn’t happen anymore.

So he drew what he saw.  And he shared.  And he risked being pushed away.

Spencer didn’t push him away.  Spencer opened up and bared his truth to be seen.

Tom finished his sketch and crawled closer and handed it to his friend, who looked at it in awe.  “Is this…me?”  He asked at last.  “Is this what you see?”

“Yes.”  Thom told him. The heat threatening to overwhelm him again.  “Do you hate me?”

Spencer shook his head.  “Never.  Never for something this…real.”  He reached up and cupped a long fingered hand behind Thom’s neck and pulled him down to him.  “I love you.”

Thom fell into his…his love’s arms with a groan as he shook, and the heat finally exploded within him.

 

 

 

 


End file.
